Death Eater Chat Room RePost
by KateKicksAss
Summary: So, my first copy of this story got deleted for some reason. So, Voldemort is very busy, so to save time, he decides to hold a Death Eater meeting through online chat instead of going to Headquarters. BIG mistake! Chaos and hilarity ensue as the Death Eaters use the internet for the first time in their lives!


**So basically, Voldemort has decided to hold a Death Eater meeting through chat. This is set during Deathly Hallows, before Harry, Ron, and Hermione are captured by the Snatchers**

_**Malfoy_Is_Awesome**__has joined the conversation___

_**BellatrixCRUCIO**__has joined the conversation___

_**Yaxley_Rocks**__has joined the conversation___

_**silverhandwormtailizawesome**__has joined the conversation_

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** I still don't see why we had to have this meeting online.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE DARK LORD'S JUDGEMENT, YOU FILTHY BLEACH BLOND?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** I wasn't questioning it, I was simply asking why!

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Chill out, you two.

**SexySnatcher** has joined the conversation.

**SexySnatcher:** So, did I miss anything?

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Just Bella and Lucius going at it again.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** What are YOU doing here, Scabior? You're not even a Death Eater! And you're not sexy either.

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Ooh, BURN!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** And on a related note, all of your chat names are terrible. Lucius isn't awesome. Yaxley, you don't "rock" either. And you'd think Wormtail could have at least used a dictionary when creating his. And proper capitalization.

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Itz kewl 2 tlk lyk dis nowadayz! Get wit da program peepz! Evry1 on these "computer" thingies tlks lyk dis! I went on dis site called FaceBook or something nd evry1 wuz speeking lyk dis.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Is he trying to use slang?

**Yaxley_Rocks:**...I think so...

**SexySnatcher:** I think I need to wash out my eyeballs...

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** SERIOUSLY? STUPID RAT! CRUCIO!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Uh, Bella? You can't Crucio people over the computer.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I TOTALLY KNEW THAT!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Whatever you say, Bellatrix...

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** And "Facebook"? How stupid! Are theses muggles putting their faces in books or something?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** that would explain the pathetic spelling and grammar. Must be brain damage.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I think Wormtail was already brain damaged...

**silverhandwormtailisawesome:** Hey! dats nott very nyce! I cn c wat ur sayin u kno!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Okay, I'm just going to pretend he's not here...

_**RodIsDaMAN**__has joined the conversation_

**RodIsDaMAN:** So, did I miss anything? Is the Dark Lord here yet?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** "RodIsDaMAN"? SERIOUSLY?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:**...For once, I'm afraid I actually agree with Bellatrix...

**RodIsDaMAN:** Aw come on, it's supposed to be cool, you know?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** You're not cool, and never will be. CRUCIO, YOU MORON!

**RodIsDaMAN:** Bellatrix, honey, take it easy!

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Once again, Crucio doesn't work through chat!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Seriously, Bellatrix?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I am NOT your "honey". I hate you, you're a stupid moron, and an inadequate Death Eater at that!

**RodIsDaMAN:**...But we're married.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Oh yeah, SAYS WHO?

**RodIsDaMAN:** Says the...oh, nevermind.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** If I were you, Rodolphus, I'd be worried...

**RodIsDaMAN:** Sorry I'm late, by the way. Took me ages to find one of these weird muggle "computer" things. I had to dress up as a Repairman to fool this muggle family so they'd show me how to use theirs.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** SERIOUSLY? You could have just Crucio'd them and been done with it. What an idiot...

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** I've been away doing some Ministry Business, so I had to go into this muggle shop to use one. It's called "Apple" or something like that.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Apple? Stupid muggles, that's ridiculous!

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Seriously? Apples aren't even threatening! They could have at least called it "Killer Apples" or something. How are you supposed to threaten people if you don't have a menacing name?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** ...Um, Yaxley, I think their aim is to sell people these muggle electronics. Not threaten people...

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Think how much more they'd sell if they threatened people to make them buy their stupid muggle devices! Idiots!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Anyway, their logo is this Apple with a bite taken out of it. So ridiculous. It looks cheap too-like are they so poor they couldn't even afford an entire Apple? And I had to Imperio the Salesman.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** *rolls eyes* You both are idiots. It's really not that complicated to get a computer. I just stole Malfoy's laptop.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Wait...you WHAT?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I stole your laptop. It was in your closet, in a hidden drawer with a secret compartment.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** DO THE CONCEPTS OF PERSONAL PROPERTY AND PRIVACY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** ...No. Should they?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** PUT IT BACK!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** There's some REALLY interesting stuff on here! Dang, nice bikini pictures, Lucius!

**RodIsDaMAN:** O_O

**SexySnatcher:** :/ Thanks a lot for that mental image, Bellatrix...

**Yaxley_Rocks:** Dang Lucius, I never knew!

_**FleshEatingFenrir**__has joined the conversation_

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** THAT'S A DAMN LIE! I HAVE NEVER ONCE WORN A WOMEN'S BATHING SUIT!

**FleshEatingFenrir:** Dang, what'd I miss? Lucius wears women's bathing suits? Ew!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Ew coming from YOU? That's funny, you disgusting half-breed scum! And what are you even doing here, you filthy werewolf?

_**The_Dark_Lord**__has joined the conversation_

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** I DO NOT WEAR WOMEN'S SWIMSUITS!

**The_Dark_Lord:** O.o What did I miss? Now quiet!

**The_Dark_Lord:** Now, I trust you've all acquired computers?

**FleshEatingFenrir:** I had to eat a guy and steal his, but yeah, I got one.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** My Lord, may I just inquire as to why we're conducting this meeting through an online chat room?

**The_Dark_Lord:** You dare question my judgement, Lucius?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** No, no, or course not, My Lord! I was merely curious...

**The_Dark_Lord:** Do you think I want to travel all the way back to headquarters just to meet with you incompetent fools who call yourselves Death Eaters? I am a busy man, you know. World domination is no easy task, and it saves time for me not to have to go all the way back to the mansion just to conduct a meeting. Now, if you're done asking stupid questions, Lucius... :(

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Of course. My apologies, Master.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Darn these stupid muggle devices! You can't give a decent evil glare through them!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** You can't crucio people through them either! :'(

**The_Dark_Lord:** That's a pity...consider yourself lucky, Lucius.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Yes, my Lord. Extremely lucky.

_**Nagini:**__has joined the conversation_

**Nagini:** SSSsssss SssS

**The_Dark_Lord:** Nagini! you clever snake, you learned how to use a computer!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** O.O

**SexySnatcher:** Whoa...seriously?

**Nagini:** SssSSSssssSSssss sssSsss SSSssS SssSsss SSSSSS ssSs sss

**The_Dark_Lord:** FENRIR! Nagini says you ate her stash of dead rats in the basement broom closet!

**FleshEatingFenrir:** I had no idea! I'm sorry, My Lord, I thought they were just there! I didn't know they were Nagini's I swear! And I was hungry!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** You EAT dead rats? That's disgusting!

**NnaGinI:** SsssSSSSssss!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** ...unless you're a snake, of course. In which case eating dead rats is perfectly acceptable.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** HOW DARE THAT FILTHY WEREWOLF! Master, I suggest you authorize Nagini to eat Fenrir immediately. For retaliation purposes, of course...

**The_Dark_Lord:** However tempting that suggestion is, Bella, Fenrir is actually of some use to our cause. That's not saying his actions will go unpunished, of course... Bella, could you please remind me to crucio him later?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** With pleasure, Master!

_**Nagini**__has left the conversation_

**The_Dark_Lord:** Fenrir, you can leave. Now.

**FleshEatingFenrir:** Aww come ON, it could have happened to anyone!

_**FleshEatingFenrir**__has left the conversation_

**The_Dark_Lord:** Now, to get on with the meeting. Scabior, I graciously invited you to this meeting so that you could provide us with an update on how many muggles and mudbloods you've captured.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Scabior!

**SexySnatcher:** I'M SORRY MY LORD. THIS MUGGLE COMPUTER THING DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING I DON'T KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BUT ITS TYPING IN BIG LETTERS LIKE THIS!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Scabior, you fool! Are you really such an idiot that you can't even use a computer?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Like you've ever used one before either Bella. And is that honestly coming from the person who didn't know you can't Crucio people through a computer?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I have no memory of that, Lucius, you blond moron.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Quiet! However amusing it may be to watch you two arguing, I am a busy man, and I can't be bothered to just sit back while you two waste precious time ARGUING! And Scabior, just hit Caps Lock to fix your problem.

**SexySnatcher:** WHAT'S A CAP LOCK AND HOW SHOULD I HIT IT?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Normally I would call you an idiot, Scabior, but I honestly don't know either...

**The_Dark_Lord:** Am I truly surrounded by such utter imbeciles?

**SexySnatcher:** I'M SORRY MASTER. ANYWAYS, I HAVE CAUGHT ABOUT FIVE MUDBLOODS AND ONE GOBLIN IN THE LAST MONTH. I THINK I MAY BE ON THE RIGHT TRACK TO CAPTURING THE POTTER BOY, SINCE I FOUND A SCARF THAT SEEMED TO BELONG TO THAT MUDBLOOD GRANGER TIED AROUND A TREE THE OTHER DAY. IT SHOULN'T BE TOO LONG, MY LORD!

**The_Dark_Lord:** Though your capitalization is appalling, that is good news, Scabior. Thank you. You may go.

**The_Dark_Lord:** ...Like now.

**SexySnatcher:** I'M SORRY MASTER, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO EXIT THE CONVERSATION.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Fine, fine. Now, Wormtail, an update on the prisoners?

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Wll dah Ollivander man stll dont B talkin but da Loony gurrl sed sumthin bout Nargles da otha dayy.

**The_Dark_Lord:** What is this nonsense?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** He's trying to be "cool" and use muggle slang or something. I guess his pea-sized brain didn't get it that nothing muggles do could ever be considered "cool"...

**The_Dark_Lord:** Wormtail, you incompetent imbecile! I shouldn't need a translator! Bellatrix, remind me to give him a good crucio too later.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** With PLEASURE, Master!

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Sorry, My Lord. I was just saying that the Ollivander man still isn't talking, but I think we're getting somewhere with the Loony girl-she said something about nargles the other day! Whatever nargles are...

**The_Dark_Lord:** That's...interesting. Wormtail, be sure to torture the Ollivander fool some more. He's been there for months already-he should be close to cracking. And find out what in Merlins name a nargle is!

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Yes, Master, right away!

**The_Dark_Lord:** Now, Lucius, how are things going at the Ministry?

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Relatively well, my Lord. Some of the underlings seem to be getting suspicious though. And that Umbridge woman won't leave me alone! I think she's trying to hit on me. She keeps trying to talk to me alone and trying to touch my hair when my back is turned!

**The_Dark_Lord:** Lucius, if I cared about your personal problems, I would have asked. I have no time to listen to your foolish blathering. That Umbridge woman is still useful, so I don't want to hear about you doing anything to her. And you know what to do if anyone gets suspicious...Crucio first, ask questions later. Oh, and be sure to step up the hunt for the Potter brat. That useless snatcher seems to actually be on the trail of the boy and his friends, so be sure he has plenty of backup.

**SexySnatcher:** HEY I'M STILL HERE! I HEARD THAT!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Yes, My Lord.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Now, Bellatrix. I sent you on a raid in London. How did it go?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Excellent, My Lord! I blew up a bunch of shops and a few cars before those stupid muggle...oh, what are they called...Please-men showed up. They seemed to think it was some "crazy terrorist lunatic" who did it. I crucio'd them all though...after that they couldn't really say anything.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Good job, Bella. Now start getting prepared-I have another job for you for next week.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** ...well those Please-men got the "crazy lunatic" part right.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** SHUT IT MALFOY YOU IGNORANT BLOND FOOL! WHILE YOU'RE NICE AND COZY AT THE MINISTRY, I'M ACTUALLY DOING PRODUCTIVE, SLIGHTLY MORE DANGEROUS WORK THAT ACTUALLY BENEFITS THIS CAUSE! Oh, and thank you, Master! I'll be ready!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Please. You have no idea how hard it is to keep that imperiused idiot Thicknesse under control!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Malfoy, you're an idiot.

**The_Dark_Lord:** Worst. Followers. Ever.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** No, please Master! IT WAS ALL LUCIUS'S FAULT!

**The_Dark_Lord:** I must go. I have better things to do than listen to you fools argue. This meeting is over. All of you, same time next week.

_**The_Dark_Lord**__has left the conversation_

**RodIsDaMAN:** Okay, I'm leaving to go hide from Bellatrix now...

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Good idea.

_**RodIsDaMAN**__has left the conversation_

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** THANKS A LOT LUCIUS!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Please, Bella. It's not like I was wrong.

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** I am NOT a crazy lunatic, you stupid blond idiot!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** Weren't you the one who stabbed the hall filing cabinet with a knife when you accidentally bumped into it? And kicked the House Elf across the room when it brought you the wrong cloak by mistake? And isn't it you who was running around last night at midnight screaming and cackling?

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** The filing cabinet deserved it! I could've been seriously injured! I was just trying to teach it a lesson! And the stupid elf deserved it! And I was watching horror movies at midnight...the gory bits were so funny...I couldn't help myself, okay?  
Why am I justifying myself to you? Moron. I'm out.

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** LOL, I rest my case.

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Whut doz LOL meen? I dint get dat farr in mah slang dicshonary yettt!

**BellatrixCRUCIO:** Wormtail, you're an idiot.

_**BellatrixCRUCIO**__has left the conversation_

**SexySnatcher:** SERIOUSLY, WORMTAIL?  
_  
__**SexySnatcher**__has left the conversation_

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** Aww com onn! It wuz an innocent question!

**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:** I can't tell if you're joking or just stupid...  
_  
__**Malfoy_Is_Awesome:**__has left the conversation_

**silverhandwormtailizawesome:** darn

_**silverhandwormtailizawesome**__has left the conversation_


End file.
